Wrench time again

July 19, 2011

I know I have to go back home, and in many ways, I am looking forward to it; there is a lot of work (and life) waiting for me back home. I normally have a fairly neutral frame of mind, accepting the fact that my child, her spouse, and their child live very far away from me…and that when they lead happy lives of their own, we are both fine.

But it is the parting-after-being-together that seems to throw this equilibrium off completely. When the time comes to leave these three, why can I not preserve the same calm frame of mind, and part equably? Why must these tears spring unbidden to my eyes at odd moments? Why is this emotional umbilical cord so very strong? Why is the “grand-umbilical cord” that ties me to KTB)…even more strong? When will I ever control my heart and my emotions?

This time around, A is still having difficulties with her health, and that bothers me a lot, too. But…I know I cannot stay on indefinitely….so I must leave her to her own, hoping that she and her spouse will take care of themselves and their child, evenwhen they also have full-time careers, and other demanding voluntary jobs to do….trust that they will manage. On this thought, I will lug my suitcases out of the door….

All this lachrymosity when departure is still a few days away! I don’t know whether to smile or weep.

Oh well, going to see “Singing in the Rain” at the Muny this evening, hope I’ll feel less as if my heart has been put through a food processor…